So. Much. Throw Up.

I think the count is 12 and we are still in the air. We woke up at 4am to get to our 6:50 flight. Andrew woke up exhausted and not in the best of moods. Standing in line to check our bags he says his tummy hurts. I think he’s just hungry but before you know it, vomit is spewing forth all over the floor by the ticket counter line. 1, 2, 3 times… we are trying to catch it, trying to move him to the side and trying to move forward in the line. People are looking on in horror and then proceed to cut in front of us in this very long line. I was honestly thinking it was motion sickness from the car so I thought we were done. While we stood in line at TSA, he looked green. Joy stepped through the metal detector and as I followed and went through, I look back to see him puking 1, 2, 3 times all over the floor. I can’t go back, and Steven is left to handle the aftermath. We shut down 2 TSA lines, left side and right side of this wet floor. Also, since Steven took off his sweatshirt - they made him run it through the scanner. They then let Andrew through but not Steven because “they don’t want him to walk through vomit.” Standing at the metal detector in his socks - they tell Steven to use another line that is still open and the only way there is through the vomit (again in his socks). Steven finally gets through but they end up pulling two of our bags because of our frozen elk meat and my jar of apple sauce, and as we stand there waiting for them to give us the go ahead, he throws up another couple times for good measure (We we’re fortunate this time though- a kind TSA agent gave us a grocery bag. And also hand sanitizer!) We get on the train to get to terminal A - which didn’t help the motion, but we finally make it to our gate. We sit, take a breather and finally get in line for the plane. We got the nazi of Frontier agents so we had to each put our bag in the box to make sure it counted as a personal item. As we were doing that, Andrew throws up some more. I really thought the lady wasn’t going to let us on. But we made it on the plane, sitting down, bag in hand. As we take off, I’m looking out the window at the most beautiful sunset through a dirty airplane window and the Lord reminds me, My mercies are new every morning. Great is my faithfulness. I lay my hands on my son and pray peace and healing over him and then I begin to think back on the faithfulness of the Lord this morning - having a change of clothes for Andrew, the vomit not smelling (due to nothing in his stomach!), the kindest TSA officers I’ve ever encountered giving me plastic bags, sanitizer and an understanding tone, and finally sitting next to a guy in the plane who was so compassionate and understanding. The circumstances didn’t change (he actually threw up a few more times on the plane) but this feels like a holy moment. A moment where Jesus met with me to remind me that he’s bigger and that we are not alone. Thank you Jesus for your new morning mercies.

*Story told with Andrew's permission - and praise the Lord he was completely fine after a full night of sleep! 

Is it more important to feel safe or be safe?

Joy (at her ballet recital): Mommy, will you sit in the front row so I can see you?

Me: Baby, I would love to, but every mommy is going to want to sit in the front row and so I might not be able to get that seat - but I will be there! You might not be able to see me, but I can see you. You can wave and you can know I am there waving back at you, even if you can't see me. 

Even as the words came out of my mouth, I couldn't help but think about Jesus speaking to me, "Sometimes you can't see me, but that doesn't mean I am not there." 

A few Sundays ago, our pastor spoke on the passage in Mark where Jesus walks on the water. "Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake." (Mk 5:46-47) And Pastor Don said to us, "Is it more important that we FEEL safe or that we ARE safe?" The disciples didn't FEEL safe. They felt terrified and alone, but you know who saw them? Jesus. They were never in danger of drowning because he was there whether or not they felt him or could see him. Does God allow hard things to happen to us? Absolutely. But is it ever outside His control? Never. 

At that moment it brought me back to Joy at her recital. She was the center of my world. The other kids on the stage were her props (sorry to all the other kids there, nothing personal 😆). If something were to happen, I would have been there in a heartbeat. She had to trust what her eyes could not see. She had to trust my character - that I love her and I was going to show up for her. 

If I can ask my daughter to trust me, a fallible human, is it not completely appropriate for my Father to ask me to trust Him even though my eyes cannot always see? 

You are safe in Him - even in the times you don't feel safe. 

Lessons from Sourdough

With COVID, came the 2020 fads. One of those I never jumped on was bread making. Until today. My brother is the most most amazing chef. If you've tried one of his soft pretzels, you know what I'm talking about. He has been trying to convince me for a while that making sourdough bread "isn't that hard." For Jeremy, not much in the baking/cooking/BBQing category IS hard. For me, it's all hard. 

For my birthday he got me a sourdough starter. He was convince I could make it happen. I was not so convinced. My birthday was in May. It is now almost August. That should tell you something. Needless, I started with my little starter in a little bowl and I was SO excited to see things start to grow and bubble. I would be lying if I told you I just followed directions and left my brother alone. He probably got at least one call or text a day... does this look right? Did I add enough? Is it supposed to smell like that?! Each time he patiently encouraged, corrected and helped me. He went over the baking process with me no less than twice. Is my brother the best or what?! 

Currently my bread is in the oven and I am praying it does it what it is supposed to do. Bake into the most scrumptious loaf that I will later slather in butter and jam because its "healthier" since I made it from scratch HA! 

As I sit here waiting to see how it turns out, I started thinking about the Word and the loving directions God gives us through it. As I think about how my brother could have just said, "The directions are all online. Look it up and follow the directions and it'll turn out ok." Instead he walked with me through the process. He allowed me to ask questions, to ask for the THIRD explanation of the same thing (because I was now on that step and needed to hear it again) and to baby step through this. God's Word, though it is a bunch of words come with a beautiful relationship - not just a set or rules, "Just do what it says and it'll turn out." 

God's Word is amazing because you can read the same thing and depending on where you are in the "process" you might understand Him in a different way. He lovingly and patiently walks with us through life, encourages us and corrects us. We can keep coming back to him, asking him for clarification and know He has no problem taking the time to explain yet again. 

Eventually I hope that I will be able to make this bread and not have to call 100 times but until then, my brother is a rockstar and is always there to help. 

As I grow in my walk with the Lord, I know I will never "master" the Christian life, but I can be transformed by his Word. I pray that I will continue to grow up into eating that "solid food" instead of having to only drink milk.

Those are the things that Jesus, sourdough and my brother have taught me today... now to go and see how my bread is doing! 

*update: it was a complete flop (multiple times!) 😂 Guess I'll be spending more time on the phone with my brother!

The Rapids of Life

As we watch the water rush over the rocks creating white crests, Andrew asks, “Could you go down that river?” I tried my best to explain the fun and thrill of white-water rafting. I think back on my times down the Colorado River; but even better, the time my sister and I bested a tributary river in the Amazon. 

While relaying these stories to Andrew, he comments, “Is it safe?” It causes me to pause because, no, it’s not really safe, but it sure is fun! So we talk about the difference between going down rapids in a raft, with a guide and a life jacket and then what it would be like falling into a river without all of these measures being taken. In a raft, with a guide and life jacket, you feel the thrill of the ride, the wind on your face and the adventure right in front of you! It is still dangerous and a bit scary, but also fun and amazing! If you were to fall into a swift moving river without all the things, that exciting thrill would quickly turn to panic and a desperate need to survive. 

What is the difference? Same river. Same person. Different situation.

I tried to paint the picture for Andrew. Life has many scary turns, rushing water, and roaring rapids that can feel like it’s too much to handle, because it is. However, as believers, we have safety in the raft. Our heavenly Father is the one who carries us and Jesus is our guide; the one who shows us where to go, how fast to paddle and steers us around giant boulders that we can’t see. Lastly, we have our life vest, the Holy Spirit, who has sealed us because of the saving work of Jesus on the cross. We need not be worried that we will drown or be lost because “When you believed you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit.”  As one of the high school girls in my Bible study pointed out, if the water is calm, those outside of the raft, “ who are chillin’” will look at you and say, “What a boring life you live! Throw off that life vest and come float with us!” But, the moment those inevitable rapids begin, things shift quickly. 

Today you might wonder if life is safe. I guarantee you; it is not. Uncertainties abound… sickness, pandemics, shootings, accidents and more - today you may be feeling the rapids, or you may believe the waters are calm in your life. Jesus doesn’t offer you a way out of this life but he will navigate you through it all. John 20:31 says, “But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” He offers life eternal and life today. I urge you to believe in Him today and allow Him to lead you down this crazy river of life, whether life feels tumultuous or calm.

Trust Me

In 2007, I was sitting in Charlotte, NC preparing for my 2 years in Ecuador working at a coffee shop ministry to college and university students (my absolutely dream job!) I had the opportunity to hear from some very seasoned and wonderful missionaries and be encouraged by fellow missionaries getting ready to go out. My excitement was mounting with all the possibilities that lay before me!

In the midst of what seemed wonderful, there were things that weighed so heavy on my 26 year-old heart. I remember taking my journal out to a field behind SIM and crying out to the Lord. I had 3 things that I made my anxiety spiral out of control:

What if I never learned the language? For an extrovert who loves to connect with people, this was my worst nightmare. What if I could never communicate my love for Jesus? What if I had to sit silently, never making a deep heart connection with anyone for 2 years?
What if I never made friends? The fear of loneliness away from friends and family haunted me.
What if I never get married? Let's just be honest, this was probably my worst fear. The thought of leaving the country at the age of 26 for 2 years with NO possibility of marriage in the near or distant future made me cry.

As I laid these worries before the Lord one by one, he met me there. He did not meet me with answers but instead with Trust me. So I stepped out, trusting the God who had always been there and promised to walk with me whatever happened.

Fastfoward to 2020 during a crazy pandemic when this extroverted mama felt stuck and alone. Steven had the great idea of walking the 40 acres behind SIM USA, which I had never done before. As we walked, I saw the spot from 2007 where I cried out to the Lord and he heard me. I took this picture to remind myself: this is where the Lord met you and here is a little piece of the fulfillment of His answer to you.

I honestly love thinking back on that time in 2007 because the Lord answered each one of those prayers: the language learning, the friends and the husband. None of them came how I thought they would or when, but it was in His perfect time and way.

So no matter what is swirling around my mind, my heart or this crazy world, I remind myself to go back and hear Jesus whisper those sweet words to me, Trust me because He has been faithful and will continue to be.

What's your word?

Present. Grow. Humble. Surrender. Depth. All words that people give to the new year. Sometimes it's based off of things you want for the future or regrets you have in the past. I have done this the past several years but rarely remember what my word even is from year to year, let alone allow it to affect my life!

To try and keep myself accountable, I'm writing it here so that January 1, 2021 I can look back and ask myself: was that true of you in 2020?

My "word" for 2020 is rather a phrase from Mark 6:31, "Come away with me." After long days of ministry, little rest and no food, Jesus called his disciples into the boat and said, "Come away with me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for a while." Can you hear them breath a sigh of relief?

I have a mental picture of Jesus in the boat reaching out his hand to me on the shore, Come away with me. He is beaconing me to draw near, leave the multitude, truly rest and enjoy Him. Enjoy. Him.

Let's be honest, I'm tired and have been for a long time (I create cute kids who don't sleep!) But true rest is not something I'm good at. I am notorious for not giving myself margin. I try and fit it all in because I hate missing out or saying no. Even in my time with the Lord, it can feel like I'm checking a box, not finding real rest in Him! With two small children at home and loving being with people the way I do, I realized that if I want a quiet place to rest, that has to be a priority, not an afterthought. So this year, I'm choosing to make it a priority.

The God of the universe wants to meet with me and give me rest. Come away with me.

Whatever your word might be for 2020, know that THIS year, Jesus is calling. For those of you who do not know Him, He wants you to come, believe and be made new. For those who do, He's calling you deeper.

Come away with me. What will your answer be?

The Blizzard of Suffering

This week at church, our pastor talked about suffering and gave the most amazing analogy. This is the Jamie's condensed version: our need of Jesus is like a furnace in the bottom of our house (he's from Ohio... they have those there). During the summer months you may not even remember that it's there because you feel don't need it, but as fall and winter set in, you turn it on and enjoy your happy home. But when a blizzard comes you don't just realize your need for it, you get as close to it as you possibly can to stay warm. Suffering causes the same thing in our lives - to get as close to Jesus as possible. As he shared that, I began to think of my own suffering moments and the closeness of Jesus... 

Everyone’s picture of suffering looks different. Some are much more extreme and some are far more mild but suffering is real and God can really meet you there. Here's when Jesus met me...

From the moment he was awake to random moments he went to sleep, he cried. “Babies cry” was the response I got from a lot of people… that is until they heard him. The astonished look people would give when he let out his wails of pain from the depths of his soul… they were intense. Yep, that’s what I dealt with for the first 9-10 months of Andrew's life. I don’t have those sweet infant baby pictures of them curled up in a little basket. I have the mental image of a face twisted in pain and an exhausted mother just trying to hold it together. 

I cannot count the number of days and nights I cried out to the Lord and begged him to “fix” my son; to allow him to sleep, to allow ME to sleep. Some days He felt silent like He didn’t care that I was losing my mind. And then He would send me things. 

One day I remember starting out the morning with Andrew strapped to me, crying (as usual), bouncing and walking back and forth across my small apartment living room. A friend of mine had posted a worship song, which I clicked on in desperation to hear a word of encouragement. That word turned into pure and sweet worship of my Savior. Yes, I still cried out for Him to take this from me, but I wept as I bounced, sang and cried out to the One who hears. Did Andrew stop crying? No. Not by a long shot. But oh how Jesus met me there that day.

Several other days he sent friends to hold and rock him while I got a moment of peace. He sent fellow mamas to speak words of life and encouragement into my weary soul. 

But here is one thing He didn’t do: He didn’t make Andrew stop crying - he didn't stop the blizzard, even though I knew he could. As I leaned in, he held me there. It absolutely brings me to tears to remember these moments. They were hard. I would not wish them on anyone nor would I want to do it again. BUT I am glad that I suffered because I met my Jesus in a way I never would have if Andrew would have slept and ate like the baby I would have liked.