The Missing Fox

We looked just about everywhere. We looked under things, in things, outside, inside, tearing apart our house looking for a stuffed fox. We were on night number two of great heaving sobs and floods of tears. As a parent, you want to fix what is ailing your child - let’s be honest, we looked on amazon to see if we could get another one by the next day. But we couldn’t. The first night she prayed that God would help her find it the next day… but that day came and went and still not foxy. Last night she sobbed, “Why didn’t God answer my prayers?!” How do you explain to a child that Jesus is still just as present when he says yes than when he says no or wait. But I tried my best and we prayed. This may feel like an insignificant prayer to you. Who cares about a stuffed fox? Joy. So even though I too felt like it was insignificant, I pled with the Lord, not because I care about the fox, but because I deeply love my child. 

Our Savior deeply loves us. And do you know what Scripture says? It says he intercedes on our behalf. I am sure some of the things he intercedes for me he’s chuckling a little to himself because of the sheer insignificance of my request but do you know what? He. Loves. Me. So he comes before the Father and intercedes for me, even though he knows the outcome. Wow. So humbling to have a Savior who loves me so much 

Steven tore apart the house looking for that fox to no avail. He told me that we were going to have to brace ourselves for tonight when she cried herself to sleep for yet another night. As I threw clothes in the laundry, I thought, “Maybe it fell behind the washer…” Nope. And then I saw a big box of balls the kids had played with and put away and I thought… maybe? As I dumped the balls out, I spied the beloved fox in the midst of the balls just hanging out, not even knowing we had all looked desperately for him for days.  

When I brought him downstairs and told Joy, she screamed for joy and snuggled him tight. My prayer for my daughter is that this would just be one step in her learning to trust that Jesus is for her and that he loves her; even if he doesn’t answer her requests in her timing or in the way she would like. He. Loves. Her. 

Thoughts on Joy's Appendicitis...

Before we get too far away from the experience, I want to take the time to write down the things Jesus spoke over me while we watched our daughter suffer. I understand that this is not suffering as some parents are forced to watch their children suffering. I understand that I was not even suffering as so many people have, but I still believe the things God spoke to me are real - and wherever you are, I pray he would use them to speak over you as well. 

No one can truly explain to you what it is to watch your child in pain. I thought it was bad to watch Andrew scream for the first 10 months of his life (and it was). But this was different. Joy was curled in a ball, could only be carried - but cried every time you touched her. As we sat in the ER waiting, I was impatient and then I was annoyed. Finally I looked at Steven and said, “We should have just taken her to Urgent Care.” Did I know what was best for my daughter? No. I thought I did. Did I know the intricacies of her body? Did I know what is wrong? No, I knew nothing. But I knew she was in pain and in my humanness, I wanted it to be over with, NOW. 

When we finally got a room in the ER, they needed to draw blood and put in an IV - but since they had told me not to let her eat or drink, she was severely dehydrated and they couldn’t find a vein. The sweet nurse poked and prodded and tried the absolute best she could, but to no avail. All the while, Joy clung to Steven and I crying saying, “I want to go home! I want to see Bubby!” My mama’s heart wanted to sweep her out of that bed and take her home where she was safe and no one was poking her. But that wouldn’t have been kind of me. Though it would have fixed her momentary struggle, she would have been even sicker than when we got there. 

So we held her and I whispered in her ear, “I love you. I am here and I’m not going to leave you, but we cannot go home. We have to find out what is wrong.” She cried. I cried. In that moment, Jesus whispered to me, “I love you. I am here and I’m not going to leave you.” It was in that moment that I think I first understood how the Father’s heart breaks when mine does. He’s not calloused or impatient with my pain. He is my Father who is broken by my pain but understands it is not without purpose. I may not know that purpose in the moment, but he is for my ultimate good, not just to ease my momentary struggle. 

I wish I could say it was a short wait and we popped her into surgery with no trouble, but instead it was a long 18 hours of waiting, testing, prodding and praying. Because they didn’t know what was wrong, she was not able to eat or drink and that about killed me. To have my child begging me for a drink, just a sip of water and having to tell her “I’m sorry but no, we cannot at this time” about broke me. Again, she did not understand why I was saying no. She knows water is good for you. I tell her to drink it all the time, so why would I tell her “no” now? The times I do not understand why the Lord says no to good things is innumerable. But if I have learned anything this week, its that whatever he asks, whatever he tells me to do, whatever he withholds from me is for my good and His glory. 

Back to the story: after numbers not being right in her bloodwork and the ultrasound showing nothing, they decided on a CT scan. I had to force her to drink a big glass of juice with contrast in it. It was torture. She was screaming in pain and refusing to drink. I was pleading with her to drink but she couldn’t drink more than half the cup. At one point her pain was so intense I just sat and cried with her as she writhed in pain. Quietly to God I cried out to the Father, “Give me her pain! I’ll take 10 times what she is suffering so she doesn’t have to suffer for one more second.”

I tried to calm her with singing because Joy loves when I sing to her. I tried to sing, but all that came out were sobs and tears. So I put on worship music and let the words, “Shalom, shalom, shalom, you’re my peace” wash over us waiting for the morphine to kick in. She finally fell asleep as I continued to listen to worship music crying out to the Lord for answers. 

When the surgeon came to visit us a few hours later, he explained that Joy indeed had appendicitis and they would have to do surgery. She was scared, but we were there holding her hands right up to when they would put her under. 

I knew they would have to cut my baby open, but I knew it was for her good. There was infection that needed to be removed so that she could be healthy and whole. There is a difference between stabbing from a enemy and the skillful cuts of a surgeon. Pain is never easy to watch, but it can be an important thing. If Joy didn’t experience any pain, we wouldn’t have known she needed help. It was the pain that caused the doctors to keep searching for answers and eventually it was the pain the brought us to a place of healing. As much as I try to avoid pain and suffering, I see there is purpose in it. 

What a wild ride this has all been. I have learned so much about pain, suffering and most importantly the heavenly Father’s perfect love for his children, which is so much bigger, strong and greater than mine. Wherever you are, whatever you’re struggling with, I pray you will “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18).

So. Much. Throw Up.

I think the count is 12 and we are still in the air. We woke up at 4am to get to our 6:50 flight. Andrew woke up exhausted and not in the best of moods. Standing in line to check our bags he says his tummy hurts. I think he’s just hungry but before you know it, vomit is spewing forth all over the floor by the ticket counter line. 1, 2, 3 times… we are trying to catch it, trying to move him to the side and trying to move forward in the line. People are looking on in horror and then proceed to cut in front of us in this very long line. I was honestly thinking it was motion sickness from the car so I thought we were done. While we stood in line at TSA, he looked green. Joy stepped through the metal detector and as I followed and went through, I look back to see him puking 1, 2, 3 times all over the floor. I can’t go back, and Steven is left to handle the aftermath. We shut down 2 TSA lines, left side and right side of this wet floor. Also, since Steven took off his sweatshirt - they made him run it through the scanner. They then let Andrew through but not Steven because “they don’t want him to walk through vomit.” Standing at the metal detector in his socks - they tell Steven to use another line that is still open and the only way there is through the vomit (again in his socks). Steven finally gets through but they end up pulling two of our bags because of our frozen elk meat and my jar of apple sauce, and as we stand there waiting for them to give us the go ahead, he throws up another couple times for good measure (We we’re fortunate this time though- a kind TSA agent gave us a grocery bag. And also hand sanitizer!) We get on the train to get to terminal A - which didn’t help the motion, but we finally make it to our gate. We sit, take a breather and finally get in line for the plane. We got the nazi of Frontier agents so we had to each put our bag in the box to make sure it counted as a personal item. As we were doing that, Andrew throws up some more. I really thought the lady wasn’t going to let us on. But we made it on the plane, sitting down, bag in hand. As we take off, I’m looking out the window at the most beautiful sunset through a dirty airplane window and the Lord reminds me, My mercies are new every morning. Great is my faithfulness. I lay my hands on my son and pray peace and healing over him and then I begin to think back on the faithfulness of the Lord this morning - having a change of clothes for Andrew, the vomit not smelling (due to nothing in his stomach!), the kindest TSA officers I’ve ever encountered giving me plastic bags, sanitizer and an understanding tone, and finally sitting next to a guy in the plane who was so compassionate and understanding. The circumstances didn’t change (he actually threw up a few more times on the plane) but this feels like a holy moment. A moment where Jesus met with me to remind me that he’s bigger and that we are not alone. Thank you Jesus for your new morning mercies.

*Story told with Andrew's permission - and praise the Lord he was completely fine after a full night of sleep! 

Is it more important to feel safe or be safe?

Joy (at her ballet recital): Mommy, will you sit in the front row so I can see you?

Me: Baby, I would love to, but every mommy is going to want to sit in the front row and so I might not be able to get that seat - but I will be there! You might not be able to see me, but I can see you. You can wave and you can know I am there waving back at you, even if you can't see me. 

Even as the words came out of my mouth, I couldn't help but think about Jesus speaking to me, "Sometimes you can't see me, but that doesn't mean I am not there." 

A few Sundays ago, our pastor spoke on the passage in Mark where Jesus walks on the water. "Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake." (Mk 5:46-47) And Pastor Don said to us, "Is it more important that we FEEL safe or that we ARE safe?" The disciples didn't FEEL safe. They felt terrified and alone, but you know who saw them? Jesus. They were never in danger of drowning because he was there whether or not they felt him or could see him. Does God allow hard things to happen to us? Absolutely. But is it ever outside His control? Never. 

At that moment it brought me back to Joy at her recital. She was the center of my world. The other kids on the stage were her props (sorry to all the other kids there, nothing personal 😆). If something were to happen, I would have been there in a heartbeat. She had to trust what her eyes could not see. She had to trust my character - that I love her and I was going to show up for her. 

If I can ask my daughter to trust me, a fallible human, is it not completely appropriate for my Father to ask me to trust Him even though my eyes cannot always see? 

You are safe in Him - even in the times you don't feel safe. 

Lessons from Sourdough

With COVID, came the 2020 fads. One of those I never jumped on was bread making. Until today. My brother is the most most amazing chef. If you've tried one of his soft pretzels, you know what I'm talking about. He has been trying to convince me for a while that making sourdough bread "isn't that hard." For Jeremy, not much in the baking/cooking/BBQing category IS hard. For me, it's all hard. 

For my birthday he got me a sourdough starter. He was convince I could make it happen. I was not so convinced. My birthday was in May. It is now almost August. That should tell you something. Needless, I started with my little starter in a little bowl and I was SO excited to see things start to grow and bubble. I would be lying if I told you I just followed directions and left my brother alone. He probably got at least one call or text a day... does this look right? Did I add enough? Is it supposed to smell like that?! Each time he patiently encouraged, corrected and helped me. He went over the baking process with me no less than twice. Is my brother the best or what?! 

Currently my bread is in the oven and I am praying it does it what it is supposed to do. Bake into the most scrumptious loaf that I will later slather in butter and jam because its "healthier" since I made it from scratch HA! 

As I sit here waiting to see how it turns out, I started thinking about the Word and the loving directions God gives us through it. As I think about how my brother could have just said, "The directions are all online. Look it up and follow the directions and it'll turn out ok." Instead he walked with me through the process. He allowed me to ask questions, to ask for the THIRD explanation of the same thing (because I was now on that step and needed to hear it again) and to baby step through this. God's Word, though it is a bunch of words come with a beautiful relationship - not just a set or rules, "Just do what it says and it'll turn out." 

God's Word is amazing because you can read the same thing and depending on where you are in the "process" you might understand Him in a different way. He lovingly and patiently walks with us through life, encourages us and corrects us. We can keep coming back to him, asking him for clarification and know He has no problem taking the time to explain yet again. 

Eventually I hope that I will be able to make this bread and not have to call 100 times but until then, my brother is a rockstar and is always there to help. 

As I grow in my walk with the Lord, I know I will never "master" the Christian life, but I can be transformed by his Word. I pray that I will continue to grow up into eating that "solid food" instead of having to only drink milk.

Those are the things that Jesus, sourdough and my brother have taught me today... now to go and see how my bread is doing! 

*update: it was a complete flop (multiple times!) 😂 Guess I'll be spending more time on the phone with my brother!

The Rapids of Life

As we watch the water rush over the rocks creating white crests, Andrew asks, “Could you go down that river?” I tried my best to explain the fun and thrill of white-water rafting. I think back on my times down the Colorado River; but even better, the time my sister and I bested a tributary river in the Amazon. 

While relaying these stories to Andrew, he comments, “Is it safe?” It causes me to pause because, no, it’s not really safe, but it sure is fun! So we talk about the difference between going down rapids in a raft, with a guide and a life jacket and then what it would be like falling into a river without all of these measures being taken. In a raft, with a guide and life jacket, you feel the thrill of the ride, the wind on your face and the adventure right in front of you! It is still dangerous and a bit scary, but also fun and amazing! If you were to fall into a swift moving river without all the things, that exciting thrill would quickly turn to panic and a desperate need to survive. 

What is the difference? Same river. Same person. Different situation.

I tried to paint the picture for Andrew. Life has many scary turns, rushing water, and roaring rapids that can feel like it’s too much to handle, because it is. However, as believers, we have safety in the raft. Our heavenly Father is the one who carries us and Jesus is our guide; the one who shows us where to go, how fast to paddle and steers us around giant boulders that we can’t see. Lastly, we have our life vest, the Holy Spirit, who has sealed us because of the saving work of Jesus on the cross. We need not be worried that we will drown or be lost because “When you believed you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit.”  As one of the high school girls in my Bible study pointed out, if the water is calm, those outside of the raft, “ who are chillin’” will look at you and say, “What a boring life you live! Throw off that life vest and come float with us!” But, the moment those inevitable rapids begin, things shift quickly. 

Today you might wonder if life is safe. I guarantee you; it is not. Uncertainties abound… sickness, pandemics, shootings, accidents and more - today you may be feeling the rapids, or you may believe the waters are calm in your life. Jesus doesn’t offer you a way out of this life but he will navigate you through it all. John 20:31 says, “But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” He offers life eternal and life today. I urge you to believe in Him today and allow Him to lead you down this crazy river of life, whether life feels tumultuous or calm.

Trust Me

In 2007, I was sitting in Charlotte, NC preparing for my 2 years in Ecuador working at a coffee shop ministry to college and university students (my absolutely dream job!) I had the opportunity to hear from some very seasoned and wonderful missionaries and be encouraged by fellow missionaries getting ready to go out. My excitement was mounting with all the possibilities that lay before me!

In the midst of what seemed wonderful, there were things that weighed so heavy on my 26 year-old heart. I remember taking my journal out to a field behind SIM and crying out to the Lord. I had 3 things that I made my anxiety spiral out of control:

What if I never learned the language? For an extrovert who loves to connect with people, this was my worst nightmare. What if I could never communicate my love for Jesus? What if I had to sit silently, never making a deep heart connection with anyone for 2 years?
What if I never made friends? The fear of loneliness away from friends and family haunted me.
What if I never get married? Let's just be honest, this was probably my worst fear. The thought of leaving the country at the age of 26 for 2 years with NO possibility of marriage in the near or distant future made me cry.

As I laid these worries before the Lord one by one, he met me there. He did not meet me with answers but instead with Trust me. So I stepped out, trusting the God who had always been there and promised to walk with me whatever happened.

Fastfoward to 2020 during a crazy pandemic when this extroverted mama felt stuck and alone. Steven had the great idea of walking the 40 acres behind SIM USA, which I had never done before. As we walked, I saw the spot from 2007 where I cried out to the Lord and he heard me. I took this picture to remind myself: this is where the Lord met you and here is a little piece of the fulfillment of His answer to you.

I honestly love thinking back on that time in 2007 because the Lord answered each one of those prayers: the language learning, the friends and the husband. None of them came how I thought they would or when, but it was in His perfect time and way.

So no matter what is swirling around my mind, my heart or this crazy world, I remind myself to go back and hear Jesus whisper those sweet words to me, Trust me because He has been faithful and will continue to be.