Time to do some gardening!

Ivan walked up to my desk with a huge leaf. After some short inquiry, Ivan explains that due to the rain, a huge weed had grown up in his garden next to all the things he has planted. So I asked him, “Ivan, did you pull that big weed?” And he said, “I was going to, but I decided it was too big to just pull out.”

When asked what was going to happen to the other good things in his garden, he responded: “It’s not close to my other plants; I dug it up and planted it further away.”

As Ivan relayed the story of his weed to me, it caused me to begin to think about life and the things we plant in our garden. We choose to plant all this wonderful stuff in our lives, the fruit of the Spirit shall we say… love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. What a beautiful looking garden that can be easily infested with the smallest weed. Let’s call it selfish ambition. No one thinks too much of it, but before you know it, it grows into something bigger: dissensions and factions. (Ephesians 5)

I find myself sometimes seeing my weeds like Ivan… it’s too big to just throw away. Instead I’ll dig it up and plant it a little further from the good things in my garden and somehow expect it to never infiltrate. What a lie I have fed myself. Just dig it up and get rid of it already. I want only good things in my garden, the fruit of the Spirit. So, I’m choosing to let Jesus dig up that selfishness that loves to loom in my heart and replace it with this command: Love your neighbor as yourself. Instead of looking out for my own interests, Jesus is asking me to look out for the interests of others. I think it’s time to get the shovel.

If only...

Wide-eyed and anxious to get their hands on everything, their teacher once again reminds them that they need to keep their hands behind their backs and off the art. Noemi whispers to her fellow second grader, "I can't wait until we can do that in 6th grade!"

Watching them roam the halls carefully analyzing each work of art done by an older and "wiser" child from the school is intoxicating. The pre-kinders look at the 1st graders as if they have a corner on the "school market"... they are at DESKS in their classrooms, learning how to read and write. The second graders look at the sixth graders like rock stars who get to be in the "middle school hallway" and change classrooms during the day! And should we even talk about the eighth graders? They're as close to grown up as they come!
I can look back on my own childhood and the millions of times in my life I thought "If only..." If only I was older and wise... My life will be complete when I can finally DRIVE.
Then it was, I can be in control and do whatever I want as soon as I'm out of college and have my own job. I really did think I would be grown up and "cool" when I turned 25, but somehow the "cool" stage was always just out of my reach.
Is contentment always just out of reach? If only I was bigger, if only I was smaller... if only I had more money, if only I had less responsibilities... if only I had kids, if only I didn't... if only life was just so, I would be content, happy and whole. But would we really? Or would we all just be like that little pre-kinder desperately wanting to sit in a big girl desk learning to read and write? So what's the secret to being content? "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -our good friend Paul.
I feel like this is a lesson that Jesus is drilling in my head right now. I am not content because I'm at the perfect place in life or have all my needs met. I am not content because I have the perfect husband or the perfect job. I am learning what it means to be content when all those things are true or the furthest thing from, not because of the circumstance but because of Jesus. So next time I am tempted to say: I wish I were... I pray that the Lord stops me in my tracks and reminds me that I am where he has placed me for His reasons... and I will choose to be content.

God spoke to me through a 3rd grader...

The concept of grace has never been a struggle for me in thinking that Jesus SAVED me while I was still a sinner, but through a speaker this weekend, I came face to face with my real struggle. Not only am I saved by grace, I am kept by his grace. I'm not saying that I was worried about my salvation and wondering if I were good enough to keep my salvation, by no means. I understand fully that his grace keeps me saved, but does his grace keep me right with him?
I live a preformance based Christianity... I do right because I know it is right and thats what God wants from me. And somehow if I am having my time with the Lord, if I pray, if I do what I'm supposed to, me and God are tight. If I don't, we are not tight and I feel far away. But is that really how grace works? Romans says "While we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." God knew what kind of state that I was in and even after he has saved me, MY righteousness still does not set me right before God... it is STILL by God's grace.
The speaker I heard this weekend said that sanctification is just swimming in the pool of your justification. I have been made right by the blood of Christ, but for some reason I don't SWIM in that, I beat myself up with little "good things" that somehow I think will please a holy God.
So today, a kid named Jose as sitting at the bench. When I asked him what happened he said, "I got mad." When I asked why, he said, "Because I missed one on my phonograms." One. And I began to think, this is me. I do not allow grace to be extended to me. I extend it to others and I let Jesus extend it to them, but somehow I think I need to be perfect. I am still trying to figure out how exactly I swim in my justification... but I think it means that I just jump in and let Jesus' grace cover me: good, bad and ugly.
Good thing he sent that 3rd grader to convict me of my lack of grace on myself.

My mom...

I've started this blog a dozen times and find myself stuck in how to describe this woman. She is strong; there is no doubt about it. She has bested lock-ins, camp outs, and mission trips all with child in tow. She is godly. Her love for the Lord seeps out of every pore in her body. As children we could not help but hear her pray, watch her read the Word and be encouraged to do the same. She is loving.

Friends would choose our house because of her hospitality and love for each person who walked through our front door. People would fall asleep on our couch because she made our home a house of peace and rest. She is feisty yet gentle. She is gracious yet firm. She is the woman who taught me how to tie my shoe and how to know the Savior.
This is my mom. Without her I would not be the woman I am today. I tell her this every mother's day, but the older I get the more true it becomes. She has taught me how to love deeply, pray hard and give my all.
Thanks mom for not only telling me how to be a godly wife and mom, but showing me. I will forever be in your debt.
This is my mom... my hero.

Bad mood days...

The buzz of the alarm jolted me out of the horrible nightmare, but not out of my fright. I was scared and trying so desperately not to drift off once more. That was how the day started, but it was only the beginning. At work, I made stupid mistakes of calling classrooms during testing and messing up the copier. I couldn't wait for the day to be over; I was in a bad mood. Rolling into the house should have felt like sweet release, but I was still bothered. By what, I still can't really put my finger on it. A warm relaxing bath and crawling into bed seemed to do the trick as I closed my eyes on a bad day.
This morning I woke up to an email from my mom in Asia. She too disclosed all the difficulties of her week, including but not limited to: a horrible Asian haircut, terrible cold and getting her camera stolen. But guess what? My mom was trying to be "content in all situations." I thought that reading my mom's email would help me to be more positive today and if nothing else it sure started my day out on a good laugh!
Driving in traffic and little irritations of the morning made me think, I cannot have another day like yesterday.
As I sat at my desk, my mind wandered to the Psalm I read last night, I let my brain focus in on this part of 139:
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

He is here with me and therefore I have everything I need. I felt Jesus nudging me to tell our maintenance guy that he was doing a great job cleaning the floor. A smile crossed his lips as he thanked me. Then I felt Jesus pushing me to tell one of our other staff members that she was doing a good job and she said: Is it that obvious that I'm not doing well? I told her I had no idea, but obviously Jesus knew.
As I sat down at my desk after those two experiences, I realized something, my bad mood had lifted. Jesus' Word and encouraging those around me had made me stop looking at ME... and that made all the difference.

It's not mine...

Easter morning we walked outside to something unexpected: my car in disarray with CDs strewn about the seats and my junk flung from the front seat to the back window. I was about to ask Steven what he was looking for when I realized someone had broken into my car. After a quick check, we realized that the only thing missing was 25 cents in nickels from my cup holder. Even as such, I was a little shook up. There is something violating about someone being in your life without being invited. It feels wrong that someone would be able to riffle through your things to pick what fits their fancy. On the way to church, I cried. I felt stupid for crying because I knew it wasn't a big deal. Steven validated my feelings as normal and then took my hand and thanked God for knowing that this would happen and taking care of us.

It reminded me of the story of one of my missionary friends in Guatemala. She was pulled over while driving and asked (in a very roundabout way) for a bribe. She declined. As he pushed her more, he threatened to take her car and she said, "That' fine. It's not my car anyways." And the office asked, "Whose car is it?" She proudly declared: "It's Jesus' car." The officer was so confused but insisted, "No, it's your car and we are going to impound it if you do not give us something." And she calmly said, "You can have it, its Jesus' car." The man angrily let her go, not wanting to take Jesus' car.
As I thought about that story in relation to what happened to me Easter morning, I realized that I too should think that way. Everything I have belongs to Jesus. He has given me these things on loan to use for his purpose and for his glory. If someone else takes it, they are stealing from Jesus.
I decided right then and there to take a dollar bill and put it in my glove box as a reminder to me and a warning if anyone ever breaks into my car again. Stapled to the dollar is a note that reads: If you have broken into this car, know that the car and everything in it belongs to Jesus. Whatever you take is Jesus'.
Everything I am, everything I have belongs to Him. It's not mine.

When Life's Not Easy...

Life's not looking so good today and tomorrow's not looking any better. Not only is there no fruit, there's not even a bud to give me hope that fruit will come soon. There's nothing in the barn and so how can I even hope that there will be more! It's all gone and I have nothing left to give.
Yesterday at church, Matt finished up his sermon series on Habakkuk and it just made me think. At the beginning of the book, he is complaining that God won't do anything and God says, Oh I WILL do something, but you're not going to like it. At the end of the book Habakkuk looks around and says, "There is nothing left and no hope that it'll get any better." Here comes my favorite part: YET I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength.
In the blink of an eye, you can lose it all: health, wealth, family, friends. When it is all gone and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better, what is your outlook on life?
A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer, his responce: If one person comes to know the Lord through my sickness, it'll all be worth it.
I do not have cancer, nor am I homeless. I haven't lost my husband or been betrayed by a close friend... Steven's just in seminary. But even there, I hide from struggle. I hate suffering. I want it to be a pleasant and easy ride with not too many bumps in it.
(I must preface the following paragraph: I'm about to be very honest, so if you can't handle reading my messiness, I would suggest you stop reading now.)
Instead, I have found myself frustrated with the workload. I found myself irritated at, what seemed to me as legalistic theology and griping at the burden of seminary tuition. This morning I had an epiphany. I am actually thankful for the struggles that seminary has brought into our marriage. It has caused me to pray more fervently for my husband, seek the Lord more passionately in my own life and united us together as we fight for a single goal. Prayer has so saturated our hearts that it has welded them together. I've realized that that is something only hardship can bring. Ease can not bring about the same closeness that struggle can.

My struggle may be nothing compared to what you daily undergo, but I have determined in my heart to no longer run from suffering. I want to be like Habakkuk and say even if it's looking bad today and worse tomorrow, I will find my joy, hope and peace in the lover of my soul for He is the only one who cannot be taken away from me.