Andrew James was born on September 20 and since that day my life has been flipped on its head. I've cried more and felt more inadequate than I've ever in my life. At the same time, I never thought I'd be so overjoyed at a smile or several hours of sleep in a row.
I've also never felt so close to the Lord as I have during the past 2 months. As he has cried, I've cried out to the Lord for help, answers, healing... and honestly most days I felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling. It just didn't seem fair that so many people I know have these perfect little ones who sleep and don't have ear-piercing wails while I end up with the kid who cries more than sleeps.
Last week when he got sick, I was sucking boogers, giving medicine and doing everything I could think of to help my small one. But all he saw was how much he hated getting his nose unplugged, how nasty the medicine was and how mean his mom was. My heart was broken for my child. I wanted to take all his hurt, sickness and pain on myself. I just kept whispering in his ear, "Mama loves you."
It was during one of his wailings that the Lord spoke so clearly to me about my own pain over the last several months. My prayer life has increased 100 fold. When he is crying and we are making our laps around the living room, I prayed for him, our family, our friends and those who don't know the Lord. When he's up at 2am, I prayed for my friends who wish they had little ones to hold and comfort at 2am. When I wanted to give him back, I cried out to the Lord and he answered me; not with the healing that I so desperately wanted, but instead with the closeness I so desperately needed. As I wailed, he held me close and said, "Daddy loves you."